The Christian’s Ultimate Guide to Relationship OCD
Two years ago, I was fighting some of the worst anxiety ever. The kind of anxiety that leaves your stomach in knots, mind spinning, and heart exhausted.
I’d met my now-husband Louis on a camping trip in the breathtaking mountains of Colorado. And truly, I should’ve been cherishing all the outdoor adventures, laughter, and thrills of meeting and dating someone who loves Jesus.
But instead, I was drowning in doubt:
What if I’m with the wrong person?
What if this relationship isn’t God’s will?
What if Louis is hindering my calling?
I was starting to believe I wanted to spend my life with Louis. Everyone around us was fully supportive too. But it was like I had this defective alarm that kept going off, no matter how many times I tried to turn it off. Beeeeep, beeeeep, beeeeep.
Six months in, the anxious alarm was going off more than ever. I didn’t see any red flags, and we were aligning in areas of faith, calling, interests, and more. Yet that alarm hounded me. And I was desperate to stop it—desperate enough to end things with Louis just to feel relief. That’s when an online search led me to relationship OCD.
From that point on, my life began to change. One little step at a time.
I sought out mental health resources, and slowly the alarm’s strength began to weaken. Along the way, I learned biblical truths that gave me confidence in my journey.
My only regret was that I didn’t discover them sooner!
For too long, I lived in distress and confusion. My hope is you don’t have to do the same. That’s why I want to share with you ways to work through relationship OCD that are grounded in evidence and faith.
Here are the important questions I’ll answer:
Before I get too far ahead of myself, let’s start by defining what relationship OCD is compared to what most of us recognize as OCD.
What is relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder in which a person experiences unwanted thoughts, images, or urges (“obsessions”) about their relationship and performs a behavior (“ compulsion”) to ease the anxiety caused by those obsessions.
These unwanted (intrusive) thoughts often show up as repeated fears, worries, or doubts that feel important and urgent, even though you may have little to no evidence that they actually are. If you struggle with ROCD, you might worry about whether you’re in the right relationship or whether you’re compatible with your partner. You may also have specific concerns about your partner’s honesty, integrity, attractiveness, etc.
In an attempt to combat these fears, you might check with your partner about your concerns for reassurance. Or you may reason through it until you’ve built enough evidence to feel “okay.”
Ultimately, what you’re seeking is absolute certainty. Certainty that things will work out. Certainty that you won’t be hurt.
The issue is that the level of certainty you want is only an illusion.
It’s impossible to have absolute certainty in any area of life, much less when two human beings with free will are involved. And even if you do get the reassurance you’re looking for, you’ll always want more.
That’s why getting certainty isn’t the problem. The real problem is learning to respond to unwanted thoughts and emotions in healthier ways.
But before we look at how ROCD shows up—and what to do about it—it’s helpful to understand what’s behind these experiences.
Causes of OCD
Based on the science currently available, OCD (and by extension, ROCD) doesn’t have a clear or singular cause. However, biology, genetics, and environment may all play a role.
Imaging studies have shown differences in the brains of those with OCD versus those without. And the fact that SSRI medications (antidepressants) can be helpful suggests a biological cause. OCD also seems to run in families, though researchers are still figuring out how much of that influence is genetic versus environmental.
In addition, stressful life events can sometimes trigger OCD. Though this isn’t a cause, per se, it’s helped me understand why OCD showed up so strongly when I was dating. After all, the transition from single to dating to engaged to married can be stressful, no matter how enjoyable. The stakes are high, the decisions feel big—no wonder OCD pops in to demand certainty!
But here’s the deal: identifying the cause isn’t essential to freedom. The solutions I’ll share later are helpful regardless of whether you can pinpoint where your ROCD came from.
For now, let’s turn our attention to the obsessions and compulsions typical of ROCD.
Common obsessions in relationship OCD
You’ll remember that obsessions often come in the form of unwanted thoughts or urges that lead to anxiety and correspond with a need to perform a behavior to ease that anxiety.
ROCD obsessions fall into two main categories:
Relationship-centered
Partner-focused
Relationship-centered obsessions revolve around the relationship itself and can include intrusive thoughts such as:
What if I’m not in the right relationship?
What if I’m settling?
What if I don’t love my partner enough?
What if this relationship isn’t going to work out?
Partner-focused obsessions are about perceived problems in your partner. For example:
My partner is a great person, but I’m not sure about [some perceived flaw].
What if my partner cheats on me?
What if my partner is too [quiet, loud, or some other trait]?
What if my partner is not [smart, funny, talkative, etc.] enough?
If you tend toward this category of obsessions, you may fixate on small issues you find lacking or irritating in your partner.
In my experience, I often flip-flopped between the two. If I “resolved” some relationship-focused obsessions I was having, my mind would shift to partner-focused obsessions. All of it was my attempt to remove the “issues” that stood in the way of having that sense of absolute certainty. I thought that if I could resolve every doubt or concern about my relationship, I could ensure its success. But it only led to this constant restlessness in my heart and mind.
While recognizing these obsessions is valuable, understanding your responses—compulsions—is even more critical.
Common compulsions in relationship OCD
Compulsions common to ROCD include:
Reassurance seeking: Asking for advice from people you trust, getting reassurance from your partner, reading books, or searching Google
Comparison: Measuring the experience of your relationship against your perception of other people’s relationships
Checking feelings: Frequently checking how you feel about your partner
Avoidance: Avoiding situations or activities that could trigger intrusive thoughts (attending certain events, scrolling social media, watching certain TV shows or movies, or having conversations about greater commitment)
Ruminating: Reasoning through an obsession over and over to find evidence for or against it
Eventually, if you continue to feed the obsessions, you may choose one of the most consequential compulsions of all: breaking up. The relationship becomes such a great source of OCD-driven anxiety that avoidance seems to be the only way to feel relief.
How do I know whether it’s ROCD or just typical relationship doubts?
Experiencing some doubts and nervousness in your relationship isn’t a bad thing. Doubt can indicate you need to get to know someone better before making a commitment. And nervousness—a normal part of taking big steps in life—usually resolves as you get to know your partner better.
However, you may be dealing with ROCD if you find that the doubt and nervousness don’t resolve, but continue to show up again and again (even though there’s no evidence for feeling that way). It’ll probably seem that all the “green flags” and answered questions make no difference.
ROCD also tends to come with a sense of urgency: “I can’t handle this feeling; I have to figure it out!” Rather than allowing time for the relationship to grow and for questions to be answered, you may feel compelled to find an answer—NOW.
I can attest to the many times where fears about dating Louis would strike without warning and leave me ruminating for hours. What’s more, getting reassurance or having my question answered didn’t help. I always found another reason to fear.
That’s the exhausting cycle of OCD.
If these tendencies resonate with your experience, I encourage you to seek out a licensed therapist. In addition to officially diagnosing you, they can connect you with further resources.
As a Christian, faith was significant for me in understanding ROCD and finding the resources necessary to manage it. I’ll share more when I discuss solutions.
Can Christians have ROCD?
Yes, people of the Christian faith can experience ROCD, just like anyone else. We live in a sinful world where malfunctions of the body and brain are possible, including ROCD.
To be clear, mental health issues don’t automatically equate to spiritual issues. Struggling with ROCD doesn’t mean that you’re disconnected from God or lacking in faith.
Nonetheless, an unhealthy picture of God or the Bible may contribute to struggles with ROCD. Many of us live out the narratives we learned about God and faith from our parents, communities, and churches. That’s why breaking free from OCD can also involve untangling truth from falsehoods in those narratives.
What does relationship OCD look like for the Christian?
If you’re a Christian struggling with ROCD, your obsessions and compulsions have likely taken on a spiritual tone. Rather than just questioning whether your relationship is “right” or your partner is attractive enough, you may obsess over whether you’re in God’s will or your partner is spiritual enough.
And here’s the tricky thing: the obsessions can become so intertwined with your beliefs and values that you may struggle to discern the real issue: an unhealthy way of relating to your thoughts.
“It feels so real!” was my frustration in the worst of my struggle. After all, I wanted to honor God and marry a man who loved God as much as I did and could be a spiritual leader in our home. Many of my concerns seemed legitimate.
In addition, people in the church may unwittingly support your compulsions. Let’s say you’re struggling with doubts about dating a godly person. You question whether the relationship is God’s will and finally decide to break up with your partner to take some “time apart with God.”
Unfortunately, many in the church would applaud your decision without realizing you’re feeding an unhealthy pattern of avoidance.
Common obsessions for Christians struggling with relationship OCD
The Christian “version” of ROCD obsessions typically revolves around God’s will or your partner’s spirituality, character, or commitment to God. You might also obsess over whether your partner has become an idol in your life.
Relationship-centered obsessions may sound like:
What if this relationship isn’t God’s will for me?
What if my feelings of anxiety are God trying to tell me something?
What if I need to sacrifice my relationship “on the altar” like Abraham sacrificed Isaac?
What if I’m idolizing my partner?
Partner-focused obsessions include:
What if my partner isn’t spiritually strong enough?
What if their mistakes say something about their character?
What if my partner isn’t committed enough to their relationship with God?
These intrusive thoughts can show up uninvited at any time, day or night, but especially during times of prayer, Bible study, or worship. In fact, you may even interpret them as the Holy Spirit’s conviction or “God telling you” something.
That’s why it’s so important to understand what the Bible really teaches about God’s guidance in our lives—more on this in a later section.
Common compulsions for Christians struggling with relationship OCD
ROCD compulsions, too, can take on a spiritual tone for the Christian.
You might read Christian relationship books, ask for advice from spiritual mentors or pastors, or spend time praying with the hopes of feeling reassured by God.
You might look at what other Christian couples are doing to make sure you’re doing everything “just right.”
Alternatively, you might avoid certain situations that could trigger an intrusive thought, such as praying, reading the Bible, or attending church.
A big struggle for me was ruminating about my relationship with Louis for hours on end—while showering, working, exercising, or even spending time with him. I created mental (and physical) lists of all the character qualities I saw in him and the ways I’d seen God leading us together, trying to convince myself that I was in God’s will.
Did I mention that ROCD is exhausting? And sadly, it can lead to disastrous consequences.
How relationship OCD affects dating and marriage
ROCD can wreak havoc on your dating and married life.
The cycle of obsessions and compulsions can become so ingrained that you no longer enjoy the relationship. The exhaustion from fighting your thoughts may begin to overpower its goodness.
Furthermore, rather than letting love blossom and mature slowly, you may rush the process of getting to know your partner and become critical of them. Any concerns or doubts about your partner can lead to what seems like a never-ending interrogation.
And honestly, who wants to date or marry their interrogator?
After all, ROCD isn’t only hard for the person who has it. It’s hard for their partner, as my husband can attest. I made the mistake many times of sharing with him my intrusive thoughts about his honesty—and I hurt him deeply, creating wounds of distrust we’re still healing.
You can wound your partner in other ways too. If you’re constantly in and out of the relationship because you’re not sure whether it’s God’s will, you may be taking your partner on a rollercoaster ride they never asked for.
Your partner might begin to feel that they can never be good enough, no matter how hard they try to please you.
Ultimately, the relationship may not even survive. You may enter a relationship only to move on because you feel like you just haven’t found “God’s person” for you.
But in reality, you’re running from intense fears, which will only continue to follow you into the next relationship . . . and the next . . .
In his book, The Myth of the Perfect One, Pastor Mark de Jesus shares about this cycle he found himself in. He’d start getting to know someone, but when it was time to make a greater commitment, ROCD would strike, and he’d “surrender” the relationship (in other words, end it), only to realize he missed it once it ended.
The problem? Restarting things led to the same anxiety all over again.
Continuing to live in this cycle will tend to lead to deeper distress and heartache—and difficulty settling into a healthy relationship.
But I won’t leave you without hope.
When I was at my breaking point—and ready to break up with Louis—I found tools to break the grip of anxiety on my life.
I have faith that you can too.
Professional treatments for ROCD
Professional treatments for ROCD will be similar to those for any kind of OCD. Common types of therapy include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), exposure and response prevention (ERP), and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). Some people also choose to take medication.
I found a combination of professional treatment and faith-based tools to be very helpful for me, but I recognize breaking free from ROCD will look different for each person.
My goal here is not to tell you what you should do, but rather to share with you what was (and wasn’t) helpful for me. I’ll share some of the most common forms of treatment that I explored and offer resources for going deeper.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive behavioral therapy is a form of therapy that involves identifying thought distortions and negative thoughts, challenging them, and replacing them with true and helpful thinking.
Before I knew what ROCD was, I saw a counselor who used CBT. When I would experience a negative thought, she encouraged me to write it down and challenge it with truth. I did this—over and over and over, all while anxiety continued to build.
The problem was that challenging my thoughts was becoming yet another compulsion, rather than a helpful tool.
This doesn’t mean that replacing falsehoods with truth isn’t ever helpful for someone struggling with ROCD. Unhealthy ways of thinking about God, relationships, and yourself often do play into ROCD—and they need to be replaced.
The key is timing.
I found that I needed to separate the act of challenging thoughts from the times I was anxious. In the midst of anxiety, I couldn’t effectively process my obsessions and replace them with truth.
When you’re in a clearer headspace and anxiety isn’t taking over the show, it can be helpful to consider the beliefs shaping your emotions and behaviors. Healthier beliefs can become the foundation that helps you sit with uncertainty next time an intrusive thought comes your way.
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)
Exposure and response prevention is a form of therapy that involves exposing oneself to triggers and then choosing not to respond with a compulsion. It’s in fact one of the most effective forms of therapy for OCD, and it may even offer better results than medication.
I worked with ERP therapists for a solid six months and found it very helpful. Even though the therapist I worked with the longest wasn’t a Christian, she was very respectful of my beliefs (as therapists should be!).
If ERP is an option you want to consider, check out the following resources for further info:
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Acceptance and commitment therapy involves acknowledging intrusive thoughts and anxiety and accepting them for what they are—just thoughts and feelings!—rather than attaching meaning to them and trying to get rid of them with compulsions. This is done by identifying one’s values and choosing to act based on those values rather than on compulsions.
I bought The ACT Workbook for OCD and found that many aspects of it align with Christian principles.
For example, a focus in ACT is learning to handle uncomfortable emotions and allow them to be part of our experience rather than running from them—a theme we see throughout the Bible, especially in the Psalms.
As a Christian, I can allow myself to feel anxious by recognizing that it’s part of the range of emotions experienced by human beings. But that doesn’t mean anxiety has to control the decisions I make. Instead, I make decisions based on my values (the teachings of the Bible).
A note on medications for OCD
Although I’m not a medical professional, I believe that taking medications for ROCD is not a sin or a sign that you lack faith. Some people have found that SSRIs (antidepressants) make a world of difference in their struggle with OCD.
For the sake of your health and honoring God with it, I encourage you to do your own research and know what you’re putting in your body and what its potential risks and downsides are.
And if you choose to take medications, be sure that you’re not neglecting the work of learning to respond to your thoughts and emotions in healthier ways.
Faith-based tools for relationship OCD
Faith-based tools, particularly biblical principles and coaching, can play an important role in working through ROCD. If you’re a Christian, faith is an integral part of your life and impacts every aspect of it—including your mental health and dating choices.
Having a godly coach who can walk alongside you and dive into God’s truth may be what you need to go deeper in your freedom journey.
The Bible
For the Christian, the Bible is the inspired Word of God and the ultimate source of guidance (2 Timothy 3:16, 17). Though it isn’t a mental health textbook, or a Dating 101 guide, the Bible offers us overarching principles that can help us relate in healthy ways to ourselves, God, and the topic of relationships.
Jesus promised, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free” (John 8:32, NKJV). That’s power of God’s Word when we’ve rightly understood its principles and taken them into our hearts and minds.
In my own wrestling with God’s will and how God would relate to me if I “missed” His will in my dating life, I realized that I had adopted some unhealthy core beliefs. I needed to go back to Scripture and understand God’s deep love for me and His desire to lead me through the wisdom and abilities He’s given me (Proverbs 16:9; James 1:5).
I went through this kind of untangling many times with distortions such as:
God has one perfect person for me to marry.
It’s up to me to figure out God’s specific will for my life.
Feelings of peace mean that I’m doing God’s will.
As I let go of the myths, I developed a more solid foundation from which I could handle anxiety and move forward by faith in my relationship, despite how I felt.
Coaching
As I sought resources for ROCD, I longed to have someone who could guide me, support me in my faith, and help me address the heart issues. The big piece missing for me was coaching.
Though you can address these issues and distortions through your own prayer and Bible study time, a coach can help you accelerate your journey and pinpoint areas you might not otherwise notice. Good coaches know how to ask the questions that make you think, challenge you to go deeper, and keep you accountable to the next steps.
As a faith-based mental health coach, I approach this journey of breaking free from ROCD in three layers:
Emotion
Truth
Decision
A little more on each one. . .
The emotion layer
Second Timothy 1:7 reminds us, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” (NKJV).
I call the “spirit of fear” the anxious mind—that’s where all the spiraling, ruminating, and doubting happens.
But God wants to bring us from an anxious mind to a sound mind, where we can think clearly through the truths He has for us.
The first goal, then, is to bring anxiety down by:
Recognizing the anxious spiral and its associated thoughts and behaviors
Choosing not to respond to anxiety, rather than trying to solve, argue with, or suppress it
Calming the body through deep breathing, walking, or other relaxation techniques
These steps can be some of the hardest to take because we’re accustomed to doing, not resting.
But it’s essential—and biblical—to be still (Psalm 46:10).
David’s words in the Psalms give us permission to not have to figure out things that are too great or profound for us. Instead, we can quiet our souls and hope in the Lord:
“Lord, my heart is not haughty, nor my eyes lofty. Neither do I concern myself with great matters, nor with things too profound for me. Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his mother. . . . Hope in the Lord from this time forth and forever.”
The truth layer
As you experience the sound mind more, you’re better equipped to address the truth layer, which will help set you free (John 8:32).
Because of sin’s effect on our minds, the devil’s lies (John 8:44), and the countless messages bombarding us each day, it’s easy to become tangled in distortions and myths. Sometimes, those messages even come from within the church. These can become deep-seated core beliefs that we speak and act from, without even realizing they’re there (Proverbs 23:7).
The truth layer, then, is all about:
Recognizing unhealthy core beliefs about God, relationships, and yourself
Understanding the biblical reality of uncertainty in life
Identifying the true posture of God toward you
Reframing core beliefs with truths from God’s Word
Once we have a clearer understanding of the heart of God toward us and how He leads and guides our lives, we’re in a place to make decisions.
The decision layer
The decision layer is all about learning how to move forward in a relationship in a healthy way. When you’re constantly obsessing and doubting about the person you’re with, the temptation is to stall or even back-track.
I had a lot of fears around moving forward with a greater commitment to Louis. I feared that doing so would make it more difficult to end things with him if something concerning came up. Essentially, I never felt settled.
But as I grew, I knew I had to move forward, despite how I felt. I had to “trust the process.”
That process is what the decision layer is all about.
A healthy process founded in biblical principles for decision-making can help us to take those steps forward in faith, even when our feelings scream otherwise. It involves answering questions like:
Is this relationship in harmony with Scripture?
Do I have the support of godly counselors (parents, mentors, church leaders)?
Does my relationship align with evidence-based principles for relationships (compatibility, character, chemistry)?
It will also involve distinguishing between true versus false red flags.
A caution for those with OCD tendencies
In the decision layer, your tendency will be to hyper-analyze your partner and obsess over the details.
But part of learning how to make healthy decisions means slowing down. You don’t have to have the answers to all your questions on the first date. Give yourself time to get to know your partner; the answers and clarity will emerge.
Also, keep in mind that no human being is without weaknesses.
The OCD mind can be perfectionistic, nitpicking every little flaw in a potential life partner. This is not healthy. I repeat, this is NOT healthy.
The biblical picture of relationships (romantic and otherwise) is a picture of growing and maturing together with one another (Ecclesiastes 4:9–12; Galatians 6:2). The focus should be on long-term patterns, not one-off mistakes or struggles that are being worked on.
Yes, you should be aware of legitimate red flags, such as manipulative or controlling behavior, disrespect, and an unwillingness to take responsibility.
But please, PLEASE, give your partner space to be human.
A major sticking point for me with Louis was his healing journey from pornography. In the early stages of getting to know one another, he broached the topic with me and shared the steps he was taking to work through the struggle.
In OCD fashion, I freaked out and burst into tears. Looking back, I’m very thankful for his transparency. But at the time, my illusion of a “perfect” relationship shattered. Everything was going so well, I mourned. And now, I have to deal with this. I’m not even sure I should be dating him!
Despite all the ways ROCD wanted to grab hold of the situation, deep down I knew I wanted to push through with Louis—and I’m so thankful I did. Though the journey hasn’t been without challenges, it’s been a privilege growing alongside him, as I’ve broken free from ROCD and he’s found freedom from pornography.
I tell you this to say that even as you’re maturing in love, your partner will likely be on their own journey of growth.
And that’s what God intended! He designed us to support and encourage one another (Romans 14:19; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).
OCD will try to get in the way and hinder all that’s beautiful and good in that journey, but you don’t have to allow it. It’s possible for you to move forward with faith and biblical confidence.
You can break free from relationship OCD
Friend, maybe you found this article because you’re trying to figure out what’s going on in your heart and mind.
Maybe you were desperately searching Google at 1 a.m. because you’re exhausted and don’t know where to turn.
Perhaps you’re even on the brink of ending a godly relationship.
I get it because I was there too. I wondered if I could ever stop struggling.
But I promise you, there’s a way forward.
None of the solutions I’ve discussed here are quick fixes. But if you’ll commit to the journey and put in the work, day by day, moment by moment—whether with ERP, ACT, or faith-based coaching—I believe ROCD will begin to lose its grip on your heart and mind.
If I could go back to my hardest seasons with ROCD, what I wish I could’ve had in those times was greater support from a faith-based perspective. That’s why I’ve taken my knowledge as a Bible instructor and my certification in mental health coaching and started supporting those of you who find yourselves in a similar place.
I want you to know that you’re not alone. That there’s someone who’s been where you’ve been.
And that you can break free from ROCD, one step at a time.
Considering your next step? I’d love to hear your story and help you put together a plan. The free 30-Minute Steady Heart Strategy Session offers you an opportunity to talk with me about your goals, what’s worked, what hasn’t, and whether the Steady Heart Program would be a good fit for you (with absolutely no obligation!). Book your free session today—I’d genuinely enjoy talking with you.
Curious to go deeper into some of the beliefs that can fuel ROCD and anxiety? Grab my free e-book, 7 Christian Myths Keeping You Stuck in Relationship Anxiety, and see if you recognize any of those myths in your own thinking.